President Bush Legalizes Marijuana in America

Historic Executive Order to Take Effect on April 20

April 1, 2004
Washington, DC: In a move that astonished conservatives and liberals
alike, President George W. Bush issued a surprise executive order today
legalizing the possession and sale of marijuana in the United States. The
order will take effect on April 20, long considered marijuana smokers’
independence day.
When asked about the sudden change of heart, President Bush explained;
“The other night Cheney, Rumsfeld, Rice, Powell and I were in the war room
mulling over how to sway public opinion on the war in Iraq. We were stuck
in the same rut of tired old ideas and were in desperate need of creative
new ways of thinking. That’s when Karl Rove pulled out a fatty.” While
Bush admitted that it had been 30 years since his last toke, he figured,
“Why not. I am the President. What can they do, arrest me?”
President Bush made the announcement in his weekly radio address, saying
that it’s “high time” we reformed our marijuana policies. “The reality
is,” said the President, “marijuana is far less dangerous than alcohol or
tobacco and far too many people have had their lives ruined after being
arrested for nothing more than a doobie. Besides, my Pink Floyd records
haven’t sounded this good since my days at Yale. Boy, those were some
good times.”
Newly appointed Drug Czar Keith Stroup hailed the move as a great step
forward for America. “For 33 years NORML has worked to show that
marijuana smokers are no different than the average American. Thankfully
we finally have a president who has come to his senses on this issue,
albeit with a little help from his old friend Mary Jane.” Stroup went on
to announce that his first move as Drug Czar will be to free all marijuana
smokers currently incarcerated, and to form a commission to study
reparations for all former marijuana prisoners. He also outlined the
newest ONDCP ad campaign, “Don’t Bogart That Joint,” featuring the newly
reunited Cheech and Chong. The campaign is designated to promote civility
and sharing amongst cannabis consumers.
Of course, not everyone was thrilled about the President’s sudden change
of heart. Sue Rusche, over-protective soccer mom and founder of National
Families in Action, lashed out at the president from behind her bottle of
valium saying that the President’s decision would send the wrong message
to children. Former Drug Czar Bill Bennett, when questioned about the
executive order outside of the Sands Casino in Las Vegas, could only
mutter, “I need a cigarette.”
Meanwhile, Rep. Mark Souder (R-IN), author of the Higher Education Act
Drug Provision that has denied federal financial aid to over 140,000
students with drug convictions, nearly broke into tears upon hearing the
announcement. “My children are near college age and now they may never
receive a college education,” stated Souder in an impromptu press
conference with former ONDCP Director John Walters. “There is no way I
will risk sending my kids to school with a bunch of pot smoking hippies.”
John Walters, looking overly mellow for a man having just lost his job,
simply passed a blunt and replied, “Just hit this Mark. You need to
loosen up. You’re starting to harsh my buzz.”
Meanwhile marijuana smokers nationwide took to the streets to celebrate
their newfound freedom. A haze of sweet smelling sativa smoke wafted over
the nation’s capitol as Americans of all walks of life flooded Washington,
DC for the first ever legal smoke-in. The gathering featured over a
million people, without a single arrest. “This is the best day of my
life,” said local hot dog vendor Joe Giamatti, “I ran out of hot dogs two
hours ago and now they’re buying up all the buns. Thank you President
Bush!”
In the wake of Bush’s executive order, NORML’s Board of Directors issued a
statement announcing that the organization will gladly go out of business
effective April 20. “It took 33 years,” said the statement “but our work
here is finally done. Our staff can finally go home and get baked in
peace.”